Tuesday, August 7, 2012

For years I felt alone. Surrounded by friends and family who adored me, I was still isolated with my thoughts and feelings.Tortured by the battlefield in my mind, everyday was survival. As far back as I can remember I have had the reacouring thought "Eventually I will have to kill myself" That thought scared me to my core because I believed I was at the mercy of my mind. My depression would often be so bad that I sank into a pit of hopelessness and confusion. I was used to living this way. It had been like this since I was a small child. Some of my earliest memories where of fear and confusion. My feelings had always been so intense, positive emotions, although few, included. For some reason I still had hope I would find the answers and so I continued to look, to look for the Truth, to figure out the secret that everyone else seemed to know about. How to live life with out feeling like a Mack truck of emotions was hitting you at every turn.I continued my search out of fear of death.
It wasn't until my first child that I realized that I could not continue to live the way I was. It wasn't about me anymore. I knew that I would die for my baby, but the Real question was "Will you LIVE for her?" Yes I would! But its not that simple is it? I didn't know how. I could not just will myself to be better.
Leap forward 8 years.......
I'm still married to an amazing man, I have two amazing children and rarely am I depressed. In fact for the most part I am pretty content with my life and in that place of contentment I find PEACE. With my 7 yr old's 8th birthday coming up, I cant help but reflect on who I was 8 yrs ago and who I am today. I am certainly not exactly where I need to be, but I sure am a long way from who I was. With the help of medication my mind began to process correctly so that on my journey to learn how to live , I could recognize wisdom,start to behave differently and eventually start to feel better. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done...but I did it, one day at a time (sometimes one minute at a time) I did it.
One of the many truths I found was that my soul needed validation. I was measuring my insides by everyone's outsides. I was fooled by the facade most of the world puts on and it crushed me everyday. Just in motherhood alone the feelings of complete failure were enough to send me to the hospital,literally.I needed some REAL MAMA TRUTH. I started to listen to the different mothers around me, taking risks by sharing what was really on my mind. I had a few safe friends that I could share the most awful, shocking thoughts and feelings to. And when they responded "I have thought that!" or " I feel the same way" this magical healing began inside of me! The rest of the world does not have "The Secret", they have all just learned to hide their messiness better than me.
I had a choice to make....Would I learn how to hide the chaos  or would I learn to LIVE. I chose LIFE!
It is my hope that by sharing open and honestly with all of you that I will heal even more and maybe validate you along the way.

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